Oliver's Diet

The vet says he's teething, but our parental instincts tell us he's lacking nutrition. Let us be perfectly clear, Oliver has the most loving parents. We dote over him constantly! He has a million toys—well maybe just a dozen or two, but he certainly doesn't starve for toys or attention! We feed him top-shelf imported dog food, the kind you can only find at ONE store in New York City, way up on the upper west side. His food is so good, humans can eat it . . . and Jess has! Furthermore, we don't buy just any old rawhide sticks for him to chew on, oh no, we buy him "Bully Sticks" (made from real bull tendon) at $5 a pop.

In short, Oliver is spoiled. So why, oh why is he eating our APARTMENT?! Seriously! He's actually eating us out of house and home! Brian thinks that Oliver has some master plan to "renovate" the apartment and this so-called "teething" period is all part of his demolition work. (Ugh, he's clearly not the disciplinarian.) Jess, on the other hand, thinks her cute little Yorkie is turning into a cockroach, and she has the evidence to prove it . . .

Exhibit A. The corner of the bookshelf.


Exhibit B. The dining room chairs.


Exhibit C. The baseboards of the hallway.


Exhibit D. The grout (yes, grout!) from the kitchen floor.


Exhibit E. The lining underneath the couch.

Exhibit F. The magazine basket.

Exhibit G. My latest issue of New York Magazine.


The Suspect. I know he looks cute, but if you let him get too close, he may eat YOU next!